Well... I'm guessing its probably about time to update this journal. Quick run down of the summer so far: I found work at ISU, I'm driving a rusted '87 Buick Century with amazing air-conditioning, I met a new friend, I connected more with an old one, I bought things online, I'm in the middle of three books, I'm practicing piano and voice like crazy, I went to a party comprised entirely of Mormons... now I will resume in non-list form.

Today I bought new sunglasses. They are kind of a big deal for me because I haven't bought sunglasses since sixth grade. Its a fine line with that kind of thing... because I want to look cool, without a hint of the effort put in to trying to look like I'm cool. Its tricky. So I went with the blue tint lenses and silver metal frames. Flamboyant? If the shoe fits. I need these glasses because I'm going sunbathing in my friend's backyard. I feel like I should have some kind of expensive oils or something to turn my skin a lovely shade of golden-brown like a biscuit... a flawlessly baked golden-brown biscuit. Since I have no fancy oils I fear I might end up like grease-stained cardboard.

I'm excited for next year - I think it will be a better experience... now that I'm settled and all. And I'm going to put a lot of effort into making my/Kyle's dorm room amazing. It will be a zen paradise if I have anything to do with it.

Project Runway is excellent television.

I shall eat Chinese food tomorrow for lunch with my Chinese friend Maria while she speaks with the waitress in Chinese about how much I look like this Chinese movie star the waitress likes.

Easter break is over and I had a really good time. I went to the Minneapolis Art Institute, the Basilica of St. Mary, a large park with nets, a lake, movie theater, and the Gay 90's. I even got an Easter basket because Erica's grandmother is wonderful. Now I'm trying to concentrate on getting as much accomplished as I can before school is out. I'm working a lot (such as right now - haha) to try and get as much money as I can. In addition, I have a plethora of music to work on as well as preparations for an audition and figuring out scheduling and rooming for next year. But I feel pretty good - especially since the weather is gorgeous and spring is in full bloom. I sound so perky right now. I did decide not to try out for the St. Olaf choir yet though for numerous reasons. I have a lot planned for next year and I don't know if I will be able to handle it - or handle St. Olaf Choir for three straight years. Also, I desperately want to go abroad even though I don't know how I'm going to pay for it, I think there must be some way to pull it off. And you can't go abroad and be in the St. Olaf choir. Anyway, I must get back to things.....

WELL, I feel pretty good right now - which is surprising due to my current workload. Oh well, it is Friday, the weather is warmer, and I'm beginning to see green. Unfortunately not financially. However, I feel inspired - which is something I haven't felt in a very long time. I hope that this new found need to create makes me more energetic about writing papers because that is what I truly need enthusiasm for currently. I do miss home a little but, I just feel like everything is going to work out well. Last night I was walking in the rain and listening to opera on headphones... and I almost started laughing - how could you not enjoy something like that? It was beautiful.

Well, here I am in Indiana, visiting my Aunt and Cousin for spring break, and it has been fairly relaxing so far. I feel like I'm living on borrowed time and I should be doing something else - but I can't figure out what. Maybe homework, maybe figuring out my life.... a couple of options just thrown out there. Indiana is more flat than Minnesota I've decided. I am so lethargic right now and I feel like I just have to take control of my life again. I want to be less awkward, or do some yoga, or get some attainable goals. I guess a haircut will be on my list for now.... and enjoying the moment at hand - that's difficult for me. AND, everyone I meet seems familiar to me, its like constant deja vu and I don't really like it.

The semester is in full swing, and I am feeling fairly optimistic. Things aren't perfect, but that's okay for me right now... I was in a musical, "Pippin" and that was amazing. I made a lot of friends and the experience was something I would like to repeat - I want to be in more shows - that's certain. I had bronchitis and I'm recovering nicely - I feel wonderful. I'm catching up in class and I really enjoy what I'm taking right now. This is quite the quickened version of what has transpired in the past couple months. I've decided I want to study abroad my junior year - probably a program called "Music in Vienna". Its all very exciting, and I'm in a dazed state right now. I evaluate and justify going to college here often. It is so expensive and I don't know what I'm doing - or if I deserve it. I have more material things than I ever have in my life - including the wonderful laptop I'm typing on now, and it kind of worries me. I feel like it might not last for some reason. It seems so standard for everyone here to simply have things - so I get this idea that material things are standard as well - then I remember, no, I don't actually have an unlimited income. Anyway, I am ready for spring, and things are going well. I am getting out the paint supplies and I'm hoping to create some real art again - I need that. I need to write things in here more often, I really enjoy it for some reason.

I'm sitting in the airport on a layover and my battery is quickly draining. Leaving again feels different this time - it was too short and I feel so unraveled.
I've decided I enjoy people watching in an airport more than at college. When I first got to college - I thought, wow, the people watching is great here. Its definitely entertaining to survey the hot people - everyone is tentatively heading somewhere - you could even become close to these people in the future. In an airport, people are natural and know exactly where they are going (at least for the time being). You will probably never see them again and you get to glimpse a bit of their life story just by the way they walk. I love noticing the inventive ways people use to look young. Penciled in eyebrows... glistening gold belts that ALWAYS accompany bleached golden hair. The most initially striking people seem to be the most untouched and real - who has tried the least to cover up who they are. And then there are the children. Children are automatically 50% cuter in an airport. The tiny toddlers with huge eyes saying adorable things is appreciated when accompanied by stiff silent people and their electronics. I always think something monumental is going to happen to me in an airport. Its what the movies do to you.

Well, its abysmal outside and I'm sitting in my kitchen/nook if you will. The sky is white, the grass is dead, and I haven't done a thing today. I had a plan to wake up early - I wanted to be productive and use those precious early hours that seem like a gift to your life - if you take them. Instead I watched Judge Judy.... that woman packs a punch. Christmas was good, slightly sad - and I see this break slipping away faster than you can say Happy New Year. My birthday is near, and I will be 19. This is the last step before twenty, and twenty kinda scares me. But I guess most age can be scary if you ponder it long enough - and why waste your time on that when you could be obsessively checking the internet? My New Year's Resolution is to be more deliberate. I want to be productive and accomplish things, but even if I don't, I'd like to be in control of that.

Things are wrapping up and I still have a long list that keeps acquiring new tasks. I'll be home tonight very late - and I haven't had a chance to think about it much due to my constant busy scrambling. However, some things are making it slightly more difficult. Not only is my room occupied (a family friend has been living there) but, I was caught off guard last night when my mother called with bad news. A big fear of mine about going to college was that my dog (Hope) wouldn't be there when I returned and wouldn't get to say goodbye. Before my mom could tell me, I asked - Hope died? She said - how did you know? And I told her to call me back later - as soon as I hung up, I bent over and started crying. I'm coming home today.... I just wanted to see her again but its almost like I knew when I left that I wouldn't. Later I started feeling guilty, I have never really been away from her and then I miss the last five months of her life. Then I started remembering all the things we didn't do, times I was mean - how little pictures I have. There is nothing I can do now, I know, but I'm just going to miss her.

The fact that this journal is on the internet inherently defiles some of the original appeal of a journal in general. I will just need to keep my aggressions a little vague. I love being able to simply type without worrying about 'in text citation', or providing evidence. Writing like this is therapeutic.

It is my 'secret' dream to write a novel before I die - usually only annoying people say that (not that I'm not annoying), and they brag about how "complicated" the intense plot is and ramble about character development. Then they make you read it because they know you can't say anything bad about it. They've crafted a situation that could be extremely awkward if you tried to give them advice - which you can't do anyway because the whole thing is a hideous monstrosity. I think that's one thing that sets me apart from quite a few people - I love constructive criticism. If I write a shitty novel - I'd love for you to tell me that I need to set it ablaze. It will save me further embarrassment and shame. I'd also like for you to tell me when I start repeating a story ...don't wait until I'm done people.

Today should be over but I can't seem to prepare for bed. I had a few finals today - and I'm behind, although, I feel somehow at ease. I can't do anything until tomorrow, so I'm at a stoplight, and I could either agonize with worry, or relax until it turns green. I trust my future self to finish what I need to do. I envy people with their lives in order. Usually morning people - always wide awake with a bounce in their gait. Where do these people get the energy? They accomplish a million things at once and are finished long before any kind of deadline. Bursting with punctuality, their carefree smiles mock your unorganized mess of a life (without meaning to of course - they'd never do that!) Oh how I long for a moment to sit and declare - I have nothing to do and can therefore do anything! Oh, how I tease myself.

I really don't have time to do this right now, but in the future, I'll be using this to let people know that I haven't died and little bits of how my life is going.